"FREE" - a blank cheque for All

In a time of bargain hunting, discount vouchers and telecommunication price wars and promises of FREE Talk - Are we really claiming, exercising and expressing our essential human freedoms?

FREE – a blank cheque for all.

(First print publication: SHE Caribbean 2010)

“FREE” can only be written about freely.

Planting its word seed to gestate in my mind and heart I jotted thoughts and images that sprouted:

“FREE” - African slaves; rebellious teenage; carefree versus careless; natural hair; body water flowing into lover’s crevices; sun kissing SPF-free skin; go barefoot; go naked; chores undone; succumbing to afternoon siestas; breast milk.....

“FREE” - Exists to lend its fruitfulness to free-dom - something only men have. What -dom? King-dom. Why not Queen-dom? Because I never knew I was free; worry-free, money-free, sexually free. Carnival here and there is our cultural expression of “FREE”; this idea of FREE is a high price to pay then for sacred sexuality spilled about.

“FREE” - Land of the “FREE” and brave; places we call “Away”, their borders are closed to me. I am missing “FREE” - free to feel safe that my locked door will stay shut until I alone turn the key.

“FREE” - uninterrupted; the opposite of marriage; jail break from promises that seduce the sun to trade her sky for the sparkly ceiling of domestic baubles; like a tiger who trades the wild for a bowl of milk. The opposite of lonely, companionless Singledom; free to hug and kiss, a listener as long, slow and as deep as...I am.

For “FREE” to exist at all, “freedom” must be exercised. How can you know freedom of speech if you never speak your truth?

Mandela was free, in a cell.

“FREE” - Being happy when there is no external evidence that you could or should be.

Heaven. Bliss. Acceptance that neither adds nor subtracts a thing; Free to laugh like a wajang, dance like a nerd; to mismatch colours.

“FREE” – is it always immersed in ‘against’ something or someone? Free from rebellion and status quo, from the duality of justice and injustice too then; not just the opposite of conformity, something else altogether.

“FREE” – not enslaved by perfectionism. Could I experience a sense of Self so freely, so as to qualify to say something useful about our deepest human longing? Freedom is deeper, more expansive and dutiful than love because true Love must find her foundation in being free. Make do then, with snippets and glimpses in this breath, that thought, a word here, a moment there.

“FREE” – my child, until I shroud him with fearful opposites. “Look Justice, my son! It is raining. See Heaven pours out freely on all creatures great and small, all people fat and tall?” He looks out the window, thoughts wandering freely, deeply. Childhood shimmers in original innocence, warming the adult into enlightenment. I see he grows tall but shrinks inwardly under inherited parental laws.  Until, choosing freely, he will steep himself in enough earth-shit to grow a decent lifetime of psychological stuff to work through. Life’s messiness is priceless, fertile manure - a pure, free must.

“FREE” will. I relish exercising mine robustly. None will escape the consequences of Love that loves so freely. Mother trusts her Creation so deeply, she can and does let it go into the absolute care of free will. Her offspring has no choice. Each will essentially and eventually return, inevitably.

“FREE” – Eternally. We are never extinguished, though ever clouded here on transitory planes.

And so I come to it - Trust, Love and Freedom are interdependent, and One.

The seeds planted, blossom fully.

Life has authored me only to stumble upon someone else’s perfect sentence: “______” is claimed, not assigned.

You are FREE to fill in the blank.

De light is everywhere!

Nothing and no one  is ordinary.

SELF MATTERS: discerning the difference between self care and selfish extravagance

Living Metaphors: SELF MATTERS

First Publication: SHE Caribbean  Winter 2010

Joanne Gail Johnson

780 words

“Please secure your own oxygen mask before assisting others.”  

The familiar  “In Case of Emergency” flight attendant’s announcement. is a relatively modern phrase. As a living metaphor it is often used to express an individual need  for legitimate self care. The greater wisdom is all but lost when  applied with a  “Once I get mine, you can get yours” attitude. Self care is supposed to ease our tensions after all, so it’s a no-brainer to see that referring to an unspoken rule of “me or them”in daily life, will only accrue stressful conflicts. Our in-flight wisdom after all, was originally intended for life or death  situations. 

Intuitively we reach in this direction because we know that relationship with the self lies at the core of every other relationship. When we say a  woman takes good care  herself however,  we usually mean in the context of cosmetic beauty, fashion and spa rituals: i.e. the cherries on top, not the sustenance of life. 

I once read a beautiful contemplation: On becoming a woman the author, experienced the fulfillment of her femininity through recognising that her helpfulness was more relevant to her happiness than being decorative. We are taught it since birth. A “good woman” is one who constantly serves others and denies herself. But  even the best intentions  may be an effort to  disguise self loathing; to earn approval that masks low self esteem; and works of charity  may temporarily pacify  guilty or undeserving feelings about the luxuries and privileges we do  enjoy. 

A wise friend recently pointed out, “Being overtly selfless could actually hide a selfish desire to be  (or look) better than the other person. The simplest form this took (in our family) was when a plate of varied cakes was on the table it was a constant "You choose", "No, you choose", which entirely spoiled the occasion. I found it so liberating when I met my husband’s family who would say "I'd like that one, please"!”

Being unable to trust ourselves to give and receive in a balanced way can induce  financial, physical and emotional exhaustion, as with any other indulgence.  So how do we discern the difference between self care and the selfish extravagance which often induces both legitimate and unnecessary guilt?

Mother Theresa is quoted as saying we can do not great things only small things with great love. And an old Zen Master has said, “Before enlightenment, chop wood carry water. After enlightenment, chop wood carry water.” In different words, they both point  to the god of small things. 

As a mother I am finding myself constantly called to honor my  goddess of  the mundane.  Everyday chores  and household management require no end of  attention to seemingly insignificant details: that little plastic dinosaur poking out from under the couch, the bit of plasticine stuck to the tooth brush before it goes into someone’s mouth. There is an excuse everyday to justify a dash out to the spa; at every turn an exasperation to warrant self pity and  a new dress. But how do we choose ourselves without  shattering future financial goals and love relationships? And can’t we perform our necessary duties in the presence of grace and  without being mean to or stingy with ourselves?

In Focaults Askeisis: an introduction to the philosophical life, by Edward F. Mc Gushin  self care is referred to   as an art of governance; and  “the right, the capacity, the duty , the privilege, and the art of governing others are founded upon the proper government of oneself.” This clarity reminds us to put  our essential human need for the deep  nurturing of our inner lives  at the top of our to do lists. Such self care may not be easily learned or taught , yet may be innate.

During pregnancy, I recall how easy it was to attend to my body temple with reverence and respect.  Taking care of myself  at that time was symbiotic with taking care of  another human being. Service to self and service to others are not  contradictory ideas. As we grow healthier, happier, stronger and more organised, our relationships improve and the quality of our giving to others is untainted by secret resentments. We no longer find ourselves ragged from constantly tapping into our reserve supplies; well, except in that rare case of an emergency. Rather, we begin to give   from excess. 

I am finding the more healthful metaphors about appropriate self care are feminine in nature: overflowing fountains; a heavy laden mango tree with fruit for all, that rests out of season and then bursts to life again; and  the most intimate and accurate -   the knowledge of the pregnant body, when self and other are immaculately one.

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Better Watch Your Contents! Try "Remembering".

In my twists and turns of exploring so called "Holistic" lifestyles, I have discovered the balance and ease we yearn for actually arise spontaneously. They are natural consequences of an accumulative effect of: Remembering.

Remember, the whole.

"Holistic" is such a popular word these days. From holos, the Greek word meaning all, holism is the idea that the  whole system determines  the way the parts behave, and that the entirety cannot be  explained solely by the sum of its parts. 

When we hear that we instinctively detect that wholeness is something good, so we reach for it.  Now "holisitc", like "organic", is slapped on every label and marketing spiel. As consumers we may swing back and forth between the old choices and  new resolutions in an effort to improve ourselves and our lives. 

The flip flopping is so frustrating though, because  we keep putting so much emphasis on changing WHAT we do and not HOW we do it.

I for one can bicker a good lecture about the 'do's and 'don't's of good nutrition, but whether we are "meat mouths" or "grass eaters" or "grass fed" meat eaters, the labels are far less important that one vital ingredient - Remembering. 

Remembering, Mindfulness, Presence - it all means simply paying full attention in the present moment.

Easier said than done.

But sincere effort will afford any  individual, without exception, more than enough instruction  for true transformation.

I have watched a friend struggle with her weight for many years. Though trained in nutrition and sports science, she remains frustrated with her inability to translate the intellectual knowledge and advice for others, into mastering herself. By her own admission, indiscipline, stress she knowingly takes on, and a range of emotional issues unrelated to diet continue to sabotage her best efforts.

One day she excitedly showed off a new product that would serve her attempts at healthy eating. “100% LEAN!” the decal declared.

It was still corned beef; the lowest grade meat, highly processed and stuffed into a can, not for nutrition but for convenience and extended shelf life.

The food wise living metaphor could not be ignored. Superficial inner changes heralded by the splashy renaming and labelling pretty much sums up why our efforts are not the best efforts we pretend they are.

In comedic Trini-Sprang-a-lang speak: You better watch yuh contents!

True wholesome transformation becomes obvious for each of us according to our willingness to pay attention, make connections and respond by remembering our intention for growth and change.

If you do sit ups every day your neighbor won't by association get a great rack of six pack abs.
The effort may be inspiring but effective action, both inner and outer, really is an individual one.

Here is the Remembering experiment I propose:

Do one thing only: Remember.

Without hounding yourself or engaging in mental force, intend to remember all that you are and all that you truly  desires.

This is the way to engage  "holistically".  

The reality is that with or without our conscious intention, all that we now contain: the good, the bad and the ugly, is contagiously magnetising more of the same. 

Life's inherent benevolence, is rich with instruction when we Remember: pay attention.

We are all, to varying degrees, walking billboards of our hidden desire for wholeness. This is most apparently expressed in the marketplace through the fusion of East meets West in our popular “Lifestyles” culture: gyms add yoga classes to their rosters, consumers trade the fabulous logos associated with high fashion for sacred symbols of higher consciousness, Soca stars seek soulful hooks and meaningful sidelines then hype them with the same carnivalesque bacchanalia.

Price tags are not more socially conscious nor mindful of the whole however, and we buy "Organic", go "Ital" (the Rastafarian word for vegetarian), and recycle, often with the same religiosity, pride and exclusivity that trademark  our other " -isms".

I recognize this blind spot in my friend, as a reflection that points me to my own areas of resistance. Her story reminds me of my own unwillingness to make connections between patterns of thought, attitudes, feelings and behaviors.

With practice in Remembering, I am  learning that  the tools of holistic living: Yoga, meditation and breath awareness practices - are not goals to be achieved, nor lifestyles to be pursued and acquired.
These are tools of nourishment and nurturance; useful, practical rituals.

We can do the same too with our existing, daily rituals. Remembering can help us deepen into life by attending to the way we do what we already do. From the way we prepare or purchase food, to brushing our teeth, bathing, walking heel to toe.....

Most of us leave some kind of authentic inner practice unattended. Instead we compartmentalise time - time to do yoga, time to go to church, time to pray -  we neglect the true problem.  Incrementally, in between those designated times, we forget. We forget to eat well, nourishing the temple and honoring Creation in our choices. We forget to drive with a consideration for those who walk, or earn a living providing transport to others.

Choosing one thing, Remembering, may bring about an increased awareness of that which  most needs our attention in each moment.

Simply practice Remembering:
Pause. Feel. Listen. Breathe.
Feel your feet on the ground/ Your bottom on the seat/ the clothes on your skin
Place your attention where your hands meet the key board, the fork, the sandwich, the can of corned beef.

By my own experience I am convicted that by remembering to  pay attention, we eat with less compulsion. We awaken from the dream of automatic habits. As we Remember to pay attention we begin to notice our choices more and more acutely, yet with less and less judgment and  forcefulness. Wiser choices arise more organically, to uplevel or even replace poor ones.

Every day there are opportunities for increasing  an holistic awareness of the body. Rather than meeting your embodies self with judgment and hatred, Remember. During grooming rituals why not pay attention more deeply to yourself. Deeper than summing up what you see with mental labels, why  not let go of the visual dominance and self criticism that mirrors can cultivate? Be with yourself in Remembrance of this life what you have and all that you are. Practice simply being with your body as you cream it, brush it, wash it.

Feel into, feed into the experience of yourself with all your senses. Meditate on the beauty of an unseen world that breathes life into you, a heart pump that circulates life without your direction and countless other mechanisms making up your mysterious, glorious whole.

Don't repress old habits of fear or judgment. Allow negative self talk to arise. You can handle it. There is always something to learn. Consider these voices with curiosity and then, Remember to let them go. 

To live holistically there is no need to make new purchases or add anything new to your "To Do" list. Whole health is not an external cloak for masking some struggling aspect of ourselves. No amount of relabelling what is with positive thinking will convince change at the deeper unconscious layers.

And, no negative discovery we make about ourselves can ever undo the essential innocence of our wholeness.

To embrace life holistically we need only Remember to ask, "What in this moment is sacred?” and Remeber, "All."

“Living Metaphors: Holistic Living”

First published in SHE Caribbean 2009

Joanne blogs her everyday insights.... Other Busy Scribes are invited to respond.

Highly recommended for Re-membering practice: Travelling Inward guided relaxation CD check www.innerfeeling.com for availability.

Recommended reading:www.pathwork.org Free downloads on lectures.

Feeling ALONE? Add Love...

We feel alone because

we have omitted to author 

the other L - 

Add that L and A Lone becomes:

ALL ONE.

That 'L'  of course can only be the LOVE of loving kindness.

Be it.

Have it. 

Give and receive it, so that your store is always full.

" Stumbling On and off the Yoga Mat : WHY I YOGA"

“He is in the sanctuary and the stumbling stone” (Isaiah 8:14)

When people ask how long I’ve been practising yoga I like to respond with, “I’ve been a beginner for fifteen years.” I have practised very frequently if not always daily but still cannot tuck my shoulders under my knees while squatting like a frog and some days toppling tree is more often what results of my tree pose than rootedness. BUT - Whether standing like a mountain, aiming like a warrior or spreading into triangle, while engaged in any personal version of the yogic prescription, I have grown increasingly aware of my own energetic presence.

I have come to call this presence my “ Beloved Inner Guru”. This presence guides and heals, comforts and corrects my alignment through yoga poses and through daily life. So "What then?" I ask my B.I.G. self, if I could present myself like a yoga pro but fail repeatedly say, to be patient with my fellow man or my five year old? What of our inner attitudes which we often hide even from ourselves, but which inevitably create and colour our living postures off the mat as well?

Through sincere practice, I discover more often than not, that so called “failures” hold keys to personal transformation.

The fall out of hand stand can be the revelation, more so than getting it ‘right’: “Hey! I’m OK! I can survive a fall!” at one workshop, served me far more than the well intentioned, encouraging applause when I did manage to execute a more “successful” attempt. Through experiencing my limitations, I recognised my resistance was against the action of falling, the fear of getting hurt; and was not so much related to the actual posture. This insight empowered me to engage handstands again with open curiosity - if not full confidence.

With my next attempt, and in the presence of a safe teacher, as I opened to Grace, I ventured to stack my body onto my arms and hands. In moments I was crumpled on my mat in tears and the teacher was supporting my seeming failure: “You are a powerful woman. Right now you are not merely pointing to courage, you are being it.”

Something had gone righteously wrong! My “Beloved Inner Guru” had prepared the circumstances. Every preceding moment in life seemed to lead to this one in which pure Fear and Fear alone existed within me. By shifting my attention from the goal of standing on my hands to the feeling of Fear, I received an invaluable gift: a palpable awareness of a resident belief that I was powerless. This was not a psychological analysis through recounting traumatic personal stories, but an actual awakening, without words, of a Dead Zone, a Blind Spot. I could feel, smell, taste, and be in the lie so fully that it dissipated and I was transformed.

Through witnessing my inner body collapse helplessly I could observe that it followed logically: my physical body, unsupported, could only crumple in response. The grand gesture of a handstand was futile against that emotional wall of self alienation. I had had before a vague awareness of this block within me, but in that moment the impostor was fully detected, experienced and articulated specifically in the context of my own being. I could feel compassion for myself replace the old psuedo-belief and with it freedom; Freedom to fail; Freedom to fly. And that’s what I would call a “successful” handstand!

Without preference or prejudice, every feeling and failure is essential to experience, observe and investigate; and worth our efforts to do so sincerely. I am blessed to have a true Teacher who by example mostly and verbal instruction sometimes returns me faithfully to discover and consult my own inner authority; my own B.I.G. self. With the greatest ease she points me not to a rigourous asanas regimen or schedule, but to my own natural rhythm and inner enthusiasm: Let the mat invite you.

And on the mat I discover that the final pose of yogic postures may be sought after with the same automated, competitive bustle of vain accomplishment and fanaticism of pop-culture lifestyles. I also encounter the pride of perfection and fear of failure that avoids any risk taking; inner postures that can keep one in child’s pose for a very long time both literally and metaphorically. My B.I.G. self reveals time and again that it is not so much that I am for the yoga, a mannequin to strike perfect poses, but the yoga (which most simply put means union) - is for me.

Why I yoga, has to do with learning an intimate process of living fully, each present moment. Whether stumbling with alien inversions or waking up in the familiar habit of standing upright, I am finding my life off the mat shows up in the practice on the mat and vice versa. Each moment, without exception, has the potential to spark into consciousness a seemingly sudden mind-body awareness which is essential to my growth. Once earned, the benefits of this integration are never spent, lost, stolen, broken or revoked; they are unconditional. And it is this genuine attentiveness and joyful discipline that bears fruit in the experience of stumbling stone and the sanctuary, both on and off the mat.

END

“Living Metaphors: Stumbling On and off the Yoga Mat”
By: Joanne Gail Johnson
© Joanne Gail Johnson December 4, 2008
First Publication Rights: She Caribbean
Word count: 878